After several months in my employ, it’s clear that your performance hasn’t met expectations. Despite numerous efforts to guide you, it appears you’ve reached your limit. Consequently, I’ve made the decision to reassign you to a role that better aligns with your capabilities—a position of utmost importance, albeit unconventional. Yes, you’re right to wonder what this entails. Effective immediately, you will serve as the official toilet for the building. With budget constraints ever-present, this move will significantly reduce expenses on toilet paper and janitorial staff. Your responsibilities will involve lying on the floor, awaiting the moment when someone enters the restroom, positions themselves above you, and utilizes your open mouth as a receptacle. Before you consider resignation, understand that your options elsewhere are nonexistent. My connections in the industry ensure that no other employer will take you in. Embrace this role—think of the endless variety of anatomy you’ll encounter, the unpredictability of each encounter. Isn’t it thrilling? Ready to begin your training? I’m currently in need of your services. Assume your position on the floor, and I’ll demonstrate how seamlessly this will work. Trust me, you’ll grow to appreciate this duty—it’s uniquely fulfilling. Afterward, ensure my cleanliness by consuming every last trace. You see? This is your true calling. Welcome to your new purpose.
